We have nothing to fear but fear itself -- JN

Ever had a nightmare so real that you were scared to go back to sleep? Had a bad dream so close to reality that you wanted to sleep because consiousness in the middle of the night scared the shit out of you? Every kid has been there. Lots of adults too. Horror movies have that effect. Seen people pray before sleeping only after watching a scary flick. Well fear does make a lot of them religious.

I have made fun of a lot of people feeling scared. Whether it was a friend scared to jump of a height of 300 feet while bungee jumping or someone shouting at me for imitating the grudge ghost over phone. All of us have our fears. There was a time when I wanted to have none, to gain that special privilage of laughing at anyone's fear of anything. I conquered quite a few of mine- pain, darkness, ghosts, god, myself, being laughed at and lots of others. Somewhere down the line i realized i was fight a losing battle. I was always gonna be afraid of one thing, of feeling fear. Kind of ironic.

I decided then that there was something wrong in my basic assumption that fear was a weakness that could be eliminated. Then I thought about it and wondered if fear was actually worth eliminating. It kept me from doing a lot of stupid things for starters. For instance if I wasn't afraid of death, nothing would have stopped me from commiting suicide when i was immature and a little upset. I had always worked because of my fear of failure (work still sux tho). Fear had never crippled me, in fact it had just made me cautious. Unless of course you count that time when I mistook the frills of a hanging blanket for hands. I was in 5th standard and I stayed frozen for a while there. Of course that cured me of my fear of ghosts.

Of course I have done a bunch of whacko things to prove my no fear attitude. The bungee jumping with a broken hand, the putting my hand in an electrical socket to feel current, and a bunch of other wild stuff. Had to prove I could conquer it all. Not to anyone in this world, I dont give a freaking rat's ass what anyone thinks about me. I had to prove to myself. I was still afraid of myself back then. Sounds funny. Almost everyone is afraid of themselves. Scared of their potential or scared that they dont make the cut. Most even afraid to admit that to themselves. You dont trust whatever you are afraid of. If you are afraid of yourself, you dont trust yourself. Nobody is born knowing all there is about themself. It happens over time and if you do change, which you most likely will, there is more discovery to be made.

Fear will paralyse you if you let it rule you. Fear of anything for that matter. Keep fear as an advisor and you will have a weapon. The acknowledgement of it is the first step. The knowledge of your fear and anyone else's gives you a lot more leverage than most people believe. As for your scary dreams, they will be under your will too. I never woke up in shock from a dream where I died more than 5 times. Killed by zombies there. Just one of the dreams. I forget most though this one I never will. Played video games like crazy. Had sme wild serial killer dreams after that too. But then somehow I always knew they were dreams even when I was dreaming. If I can do it, then anyone can.

Idle mind - devil's workshop

There is something very satisfying about being lazy. A day!!! An entire day of absolutely no useful production, effort or even a hint of it can often bring immense satisfaction. Doing nothing does give results in the most unexpected ways.

By nothing I dont mean lying about not breathing or anything. I mean stay alive and do nothing of any consequence. No entertainment or recreation either. Sounds like an absolute waste? Its not. At least it wasnt one. Been having a few of those lately. Not complete days of course. Parts. Thats the time a screensaver kicks in. No day dreams. My imagination has been murdered by my senses. So much so that even an effort for any wild creativity ends up in very achievable down to earth situations. Practical so to speak.

There were times when the imagination flew as a lockheed SR-71 blackbird. A long time ago. Unmanned and faster than imagination itself. Those were fun and immature days. When belief allowed for the impossible to materialize itself in an ethereal form. Fleeting yes but as real as the imagination that created it. Sometimes the engine rusts out, sometimes it is shot down but mostly it is destroyed by the very people who are to tune it. Gotta forgive them, for they not what they do.

But of course, some things refuse to be killed. Thankfully. Random thoughts are a welcome change in an irritatingly predictable universe. Especially when every other 'wise man' is predicting the nature of anything you and I can sense. Just when the pattern starts to piss you off its nice to find there are pieces in the pattern which make no sense at all. Maybe all the random pieces together may make a pattern, but then thankfully I am stupid enough not to be able to put the jigsaw puzzle together. A question answered is no longer a question. It no longer possesses the mystery, the awe, the stimulating darkness. Answer a difficult one for someone searching for an answer and sometimes it is as good as slapping the person, besides insulting his intelligence. Unanswered questions do have their charm.


Jumping from randomness to entropy, with no inkling of any logic or connection appears to be child's play. Dont knock it until you've tried it. It feels like listening to a playlist of metal, rock, classics, pop, jazz and hip hop with the shuffle on although it takes a lot more programming. Oh I forgot to mention repetition, redundany, same thing again and again is an absolute no no. If you run out of music, make like a Mozart and compose some. Thats when everything around evaporates and then there is everything, blobs of randomness which hit you, rip through you and then cease to exist as though they never did. It can be done while performing mundane tasks that your limbs and organs have mugged up and can vomit without orders from the top floor.

Sometimes it does feel I have way too many tenents on the top floor. So much so that I probably would argue about the latest musical and its effects on cinemas past, present and future for the smallest fraction of time even while rewiring a C4 explosive. Why the smallest fraction? 'Coz anything more than that on one thought and it stops being random. Gotta keep jumping along the logs in the stream or you'll get wet. No point penning it down of course. You can never get any copy that fast. Save it for the not so random time you'll be wasting later? But if you can remember it, then it must have been logical. Real bummer huh? To do something just for the moment and for it to have no impact on the future or any relevence to the past at all. It is fun.