It has been a long time since I wrote something. I don't have a flair for writing, so if someone does read this please forgive my inexperience. I felt I needed to speak to someone before I left and somehow now I feel I cannot really speak to anyone. The past year has been particularly lonely. They tore down the houses behind and now they are replacing them with an office building. They did the same with the houses on the side a few years back. I had acquaintances there. They were not friends or people I knew but they were familiar. We exchanged pleasantries and always met with a smile. Now I am alone in a crowd.
Back in the days, the house was noisy. I remember shouting at the kids for a moment's peace so I could finish my work. Neetu would then push them out. They have now pushed themselves away. I have my peace today. Now I don't really know what to wish for. I truly do pity those who get all their wishes. That must be truly hell. I haven't spoken to the kids in a while too. They are busy with their lives and their families. My parents died in an accident soon after my marriage but I am quite sure with how I was juggling my work and the sudden responsibilities, they would have been pushed away. But then again my mother always wanted to help. I remember how difficult it was to see them struggle with the TV yet so easily they connected with people around.
I used to laugh when my parents struggled with the technology. Me being a mechanic in the initial days made me the smarter one in the family. Now my grandson laughs when I cant message on the phone. He must have grown a lot since I last saw him. Maybe he could teach me how to use the computer. I have lived in this city long enough. Moving from the village to here had been such a revelation yet I wish to go back. Somehow I know that wish would also turn into a curse. I know no one there now. My old friends have all gone. The village is in a time which I have long left behind. Even memories of it have faded and I am truly afraid that if I go back the nostalgia would be trivialized by how I remember nothing of it.
Life does move fast these days. The kids here have no time at all. I spoke to a boy the other day. He had school and tuition and coaching for tennis and whole lot of other things. We used to just play all day after school. All I do now is watch TV and take walks. Everyone else though always seems to be in a hurry. Just the other day at the market a man helped me out not because he was a good Samaritan but because he was really getting impatient in the line. I just feel like a stranger more and more everyday. At times I think I have even forgotten the language we all speak as everyone has so much to say and no time to say it. I am sure if you are still reading this, I have wasted some of your time as well. I am sorry.
I did not want to write about Neetu. It is painful which is why I kept it for the end but she did not get to say goodbye and so I must do it for her. It is late of course. Two years have passed since she left me. It had been abrupt and I still haven't recovered from it. The doctor did say a lot of things for me as well. I still think about the times when I wrote letters to her. She said I wrote terribly. She would still say that about this note as well I guess. The day Brownie died she wept like a baby. What a stupid thing to call a dog. She called him that only because I hated the name. I would have liked to keep a dog now but I can barely take care of myself. Neetu would have wanted me to keep one though. She would have probably called him Brownie jr.
I did not decide on this because of anything above. It is just that I feel like I am not meant to be here. I would say that I feel I am sitting on a train just because I have a seat even though my station has long gone. It is now time to get off. Maybe I will get a train back to my station. Maybe this time I will not miss my station. Maybe I can just walk to it. The journey had been good but now it is time I got to my destination. Farewell.
